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January 1st, 2006

10:30 pm - Wait a second....
He got upset when I told him I was going to Seattle and I needed 'our' car, saying he felt hurt that I would so quickly choose to see my brother/mother/new sister-in-law over him. He soon let slip that he needed someone to make his dinner and take care of him. Ouch. So maybe I can still deny myself out of this one, but I'm back from Seattle and what's going on now? Brian just called his best friend to ask HIM what HE is doing before deciding whether or not to hold his obviously missed fiance that night or ditch her to hang with his bud (who he doesn't see a ton, in all fairness...not that he sees me much either). This is after I told him I would really like it if he stayed with me that night because I was feeling down and I missed him. I said it was up to him and either way I wouldn't be upset, as I was a big girl. The latter part is true, and for a bit, I thought the former was as well. But the truth is I WILL be hurt if he chooses the best friend over me (already played that game and it was NOT my idea of fun), especially when I told him straight forward my feelings. I don't want to tell him I will be upset if he leaves tonight because then he will only stay out of guilt and/or cowardice and that will destroy the whole point of having a warm (a.k.a. loving) body next to my momentarily fragile one. WTF? I shouldn't even be in this situation. But that's life between flawed human beings. Speaking of flawed human beings, I suffered an attempted attack and a full out random one from two of what I'm told are these things called siblings. In Seattle, my brother refused to watch Brokeback Mountain so my mom asked if I thought Brian would see it with me. "No, he just got over his homophobia," I said. "You make it sound like a disease," Jeff said. I did not reply, recalling the time when we got into a 'debate' over stereotyping of Blacks (esp. in regard to drugs and crime) and he got his 'points' across by screaming them at me...his main points being, "YOU ARE SO FUCKING STUPID!!!", and, "CAN YOU REALLY BE THIS DUMB???", or the more unique version, "YOU ARE SUCH AN IDIOT!!!" In spite of what I thought was a rather disciplined display of silence on my part, my dear ol' brother felt a need to continue his monologue, saying such things as, "There was a time when it was thought that THEY were the ones with a disease, now it's the people who don't like them who are thought to have the disease", and "I don't care what THEY do, but I don't need to hear about it." You know, all the typical stuff. However, I was still able to have a good visit with Wendy, my recent sister-in-law and the puppy, Winter. Jeff was easier later in the day. Of course, movies don't exactly take a lot of social skills. That was a bummer: we're in Seattle and all any wants to do is see a movie. Woot! But like I said, I had a very nice visit with two very nice creatures...let's just hope they never become like true siblings. The second sibling incident came from my older sister, Jamie. We have a long past, and while much of it is pleasant, much of it also involves me cowing to Jamie. Not the case any more. I will make accommodations, but I will not forget myself in the process. She showed up at the house to which my mother and I had just recently arrived and was in an odd mood, calling me scrawny when I said I don't eat pork, even though I just had a casual discussion when every about how that is comparable to calling a full-figured person "fat" (translation: don't call me scrawny, it hurts my feelings). She said something else rude while I was getting salad, but I blocked it out. I didn't pay much attention to this insensitive, moody behavior, which was my mistake; I should have known to keep my distance at that time. Instead, I said that I liked Drew Barrymore's hair in "50 First Dates" and Jamie commented that she was going to dye her hair. "What color?" I asked. Something "black". Then I remembered: "But your hair is determined. It doesn't like to change colors." "What are you talking about?" "When you dyed your hair before, it wouldn't change." You-are-a-moron and you're-annoying-me face + "I've never dyed my hair before." "Yes you have!" I say with a slight laugh in my voice that says, "Oh, you're just being silly". "-NO-, I haven't." "Yes you have! You dyed it reddish and it didn't change." At this point, she starts saying something to the extent of, "You don't know what you're talking about" and I point to the Drew Barrymore character on the DVD container in an attempt to lighten the mood, thinking my witty sister will fire some half-serious insult back. Instead she says in a pissed-off tone after staring blankly at me for two seconds, "You know, sometimes I really don't like you." At the last Thanksgiving, she overreacted about something, so I got up and told her that it had nothing to do with me, I had said nothing wrong, and I was leaving the area. She yelled, "Oh, SURE, YOU haven't done ANYTHING wrong the past MONTH!" I shouted back, "No I haven't!" "You're just a wonderful person!!!" "Yes, I am. You're just in a weird mood, that's all." I sat in the room with my niece, watching a movie I don't like and soon I heard Jamie shouting to someone else, "Don't talk about me as if I'm not even fucking here!!!" (Turns out they were talking about a different Jamie). Soon Jamie the sister left, taking Anna and Becca with her. I felt like shit for doing nothing wrong and shortly after hugged Mom goodbye and took off to Eureka where I was treated to such blurbs from my once enamored fiance as, "Brandon and I used to have such long talks about the universe and everything", and "I can just let go around Brandon. I can say things that would offend you", and of course, "Do you want to come over to Brandon's to meet Trista tonight?" (Interpretation: "Do you want to drag your just-arrived-from-hundreds-of-miles-away, running on empty, just been attacked, late night ass to my Soulmate's so I can connect with him in ways I will never be able to connect with you because you're a fucking bitch and I really do hate you but you're either a good lay or I'm not man enough to leave you so I'll just torture you with reminisces of my first and last true love"...gee, maybe I really DON'T want to see Brokeback Mountain....)
Now I'm home...or at some house, at least. I used to marvel at how Brian felt like home. Right now, I just want to cry. He's here, but Brandon hasn't called back yet. I don't want to fucking compete with anyone.

Maybe I shouldn't....

Maybe I won't....

Current Mood: crushedcrushed

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December 30th, 2005

12:56 pm - Seattle
I've never been this far North! Seattle is beautiful, but not after seeing the same scene, like, 7 times (we got lost, in more ways than one). It's nice to be in a cozy place now, and I know it'll be fun. I'm glad I came, not that I considered doing otherwise.
Current Mood: optimisticoptimistic

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December 27th, 2005

10:17 am - Scrooge
HSU'S library system is vicious!!! I can't see my grades because I owe money that shouldn't have been charged (Or they could have at least waited 'til AFTER Xmas. I mean really, what happened to the holiday spirit?) and when I try to pay the fee online, the only option I have is to pay ALL my registration fees, despite the fact that my financial aid will cover that when it's dispersed...unless that hold is affecting that as well...hmmm....

In better news, I had a great time visiting my family, though the first two days were spent reading Harry Potter 6 (the best yet), so there wasn't a whole lotta visiting at that time. Roger started to get pissy with me and anything that breathed in general, so my departure was well-timed. I'll be going back to ride up with me mum to Seattle to see my stupid big brother who never showed up for xmas because he SUCKS (probably canoodling with his new wife, though we were not informed of this recent progression until right before xmas, over the phone). I also got to see my dad and I bought him a bunch of meat, cheese, and goodies in order to encourage some fattening up on his part. Oh yeah! My birth control magically disappeared on my second or third night there. We looked EVERYWHERE and no sign. My personal suspicion is that Roger dumped it somewhere in return for my little snap directed his way. Well, it has certainly made love-making a bit naughtier, but in general, I feel safe. It takes a while for the body to start operating "normally" again.

Now I'm home, having dreams about talking, black pantherish cows who attack pretentious drones I mean college students for eating ice cream, although the cows consider milk OK for consumption. Before I settled into my relatively safe bed on Xmas night, I had to go to Brian's parents' house for their festivities. For the past few months, I had been trying to convince myself that I was imagining the sudden chill from his Mum and Dad toward me, but that night it was unmistakable, especially from THE MOTHER-IN-LAW'S direction. I still kept up the cheer until I got this deceptively standard-looking Xmas card which on the inside read, "Delcie-We need to talk, sooner than later", and was briskly signed on the other side "Barbara", no "love" no "sincerely", nada. So I sat there, rigid as a hardened assassin, until I had a MOTHER-IN-LAW free moment with Brian. I showed him the card and he casually left the room. About fifteen minutes later, he came back and stated that we were leaving, -now-. He didn't want to talk about it at first, but I made it clear that it was my right to know so after some breathing time, he told me what had been going on. Apparently that chill I had tried to tell myself I was imagining had indeed been quite deliberate (I have GOT to learn to listen to myself) and had been a reaction to a fight Brian and I had had. The straight out arctic freeze I had felt on the night of 'family, joy, and good will' was the result of a discussion Brian and I had had over the phone (the !@#$% had actually had the nerve to stay in the room, listening until Brian shooed her out) about my spontaneously-planned trip to see my brother and my desire to borrow the car Brian has always claimed belonged to BOTH of us. When he went to talk with her that Xmas night, she also told him that she was worried he and I are like a "Bob" situation (His overly-controlling, semi-disowned father. I guess similarity between couples really isn't always a good thing) and that my desire to go to Mexico this summer on a college trip is the "dumbest thing she's ever heard" because I guess I'm supposed to cancel all the plans I had before Brian in order to 'support him'. The thing I can't stand the most about all this isn't her accusations against me, but the subsequent implication that Brian is not strong enough to lead his own life, especially with a young woman as independent, strong-willed, and strong-minded as myself. OF COURSE I have flaws, flaws which I have NEVER hidden from Brian. Yet despite(or in part because of) my demands, my fiery temperament, and my far-reaching dreams, he chose me. And in spite of his flaws (which I won't write about here), I chose him. That's what people do, and they tend to prefer to lead their CHOSEN relationship w/o outside interference. I remember once saying that I was glad I didn't have to deal with the stereotypical MOTHER-IN-LAW, and I'm not going to leap to the conclusion that I was wrong because all this only just happened, but my guard is definitely up, and I doubt it will ever come down for her again.

I suggested to Brian that he find someone other than his mother in whom to confine, or to keep a journal. I was so proud of myself for not biting off his head as he told me what had been going on, since he WAS the one with the big mouth who was being a bit of a Mama's Boy. I just stared at him and then set up Becca's bed for her visit. When I felt calm enough, we had a good, productive, and long-needed talk. And I did it w/o the counsel of THE MOTHER-IN-LAW.
Current Mood: complacentfine

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December 15th, 2005

10:13 am - IT'S DOOOOOOONE.
At least the worst one. I hated that class and IT'S OOOOVEEEER!!! Super yay! The fucking prof. reminded me so much of Umbridge, it's not even funny. In fact, it's quite sick, like the slurping noises she made all through the final as she ate. *****shudders*****
Current Mood: relievedSomewhat relieved

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06:51 am - Please, let it be swift and painless...
...I hate finals, especially this one.
Current Mood: sicksick

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December 12th, 2005

07:37 pm - Tacos=Love
Especially with a belch or two thrown in. Who knew heaven could be so simple? Siiiiiigh. {)
Current Mood: contentcontent

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December 7th, 2005

06:21 pm - The aftermath...
Went to speech tournament 'cause that's who I am (not a speechie, but someone with pride and a(n overactive) sense of shame). Was depressed. Saw Lorraine in Safeway and she said I looked gorgeous and that Jamie was around somewhere. Felt a little better as I looked for stuff (not so much because of the gorgeous comment, more 'cause of her mere presence. Those jerks were in MY town now!)but did not see Jamie. Lorraine walked me outside, telling me I would be fine and that I would dazzle them if nothing else (I think she summoned positive energy my way, as the judges comments were not far from "That was dazzling"). Wished me good luck and we said goodbye. Saw Jamie far far away (that's how it seemed...like when Sara the triceratops gets separated from her parents but she can still see them on the other side) and she called to me, waving. I waved and turned to ask if we were waiting for anyone, hoping for time to talk with Jamie. "Just you." So I turned and waved sadly to Jamie, seeing she had been waiting for me and she waved back. I could tell she wanted to see me too, and it felt so unnatural to just have to leave like that...But bumping into family helped. It always does. Like when I stuck up for myself at Baa Baa and came to tears as a result, who showed up? Jamie, Becca, and Mom of course. And even though Mom and I were fighting, family is family. It's as though they KNOW when you're really low...or maybe it's just a coincidence, since I am sure I have not been there when people have needed me, being ignorant of their pain. But regardless, I felt better, practiced my speeches on the way there, and ended up with second place in prose. I didn't do too poorly in the other events either...except debate. It was my first time in Open with my partner, and we bombed. I didn't really care, but she was upset and didn't want to talk about it. Yesterday during class, she made a comment about people getting their shit together 'cause otherwise the info. isn't there when it's needed, and I can't help but believe it was aimed at me . We didn't need one fact sheet that whole tournament, so I don't know what they hell she was talking about. Not that it matters. I'm done. Finished. No mas. Yesterday's class was enough to show me that performing cannot possibly be fulfilling enough to make up for the negative vibes I get from that class. It feels good not to need it...not to need it for my identity.

I'm hacking away at other subjects and as a result, I can see the bright (and relaxed) light of the future not far ahead! Better start up again now!
Current Mood: optimisticoptimistic

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December 2nd, 2005

02:08 am - To continue or not....
I have told myself that participating in Forensics will help to make my mind stronger, but I'm beginning to wonder if it is really just emotionally damaging, period. Will this activity really help me to be better and arguing and critical thinking? I look at some of the people who have done well, and they often don't seem that great at public speaking to ME...on the contrary, they usually just seem like arrogant asswipes. I dragged myself to class tonight before having to be subjected to more abuse tomorrow at the tournament, and the professor called out everyone's assigned fact sheets to see if they had been completed. Mine had not, of course and the whole class got to see me humiliated. Yay. Yeah well, fuck, if my mommy and daddy were rich enough to support me through college so I wouldn't have to work AND go to school I would have gotten it done too. What am I saying? What the hell am I doing right now? Writing in this peace of shit instead of studying. I hate myself.
Current Mood: depresseddepressed

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November 12th, 2005

09:25 am - In an effort to prove that I am not just some cranky ol' troll (and I'm really not)-
Hey, Becca. What's up? How come you didn't come down on Halloween? Mum tells me you're moving; how's that going? She also tells me you are soon going to a concert; I was looking for concert tickets for you, but I will have to come up with a new idea because almost everything is overseas except this one that would take place on Thanksgiving...you're not going to be gone on Thanksgiving, are you? That one was either Children of Bodom or Dream Theater, I don't recall, but I thought these sounded familiar. Brian and I went out to eat last night and we had to go down a couple dark alleys in search of a resaurant that ended up being closed so we looked for another one we had just seen and Brian was getting all panicky, saying "Oh, where is it?! Dammit! I don't know where I'm going," and I'm like, "You grew up here and you're lost? It's Eureka! The streets are empty...." It was like being in San Francisco again, in terms of his panicking. Sometimes he reminds me a little of Pig: Wee! Wee! Wee! Eyes bulging out and all. Then we got to the place and I stopped at the door and he kept walking so I asked, "What are you doing, this is the entrance?" and he just kept walking so I said, "Briiiiaaannn...." and he stopped at looked at me all scared and I asked, "What's up? The entrance is here...." and he was all staying far away and said in a quiet and anxious voice, "I know. Oh man. Why do they have to put the entrance there??? Why do we have to walk by all those people???" I started laughing because he was treating the whole thing like some fancy affair, and while it is a 'nice' restaurant, it's Eureka-how nice can it be? I finally coaxed him over, despite my laughing and he awkwardly trailed behind me as we went to wait for a seat. He looked very rigid, sitting in the seat so I asked if he was ok and he said, "Too many people. Ugh. There are too many people." I have come to view his socio phobic behavior as quite amusing. Hey, if you can't understand something, just laugh about it. Like when we went dancing the Saturday before Halloween-he finally got up to join me, initially just to try to lure me back but then later to dance...if that's what you can call it. he was sort of passing me back and forth between his hands, not letting me move more than 1/2 an inch. This is the guy who took an hour and a half to finally warm up on 80's night at Club West, but when he finally did, man o man, it was difficult to stop him. He saw earlier that I was writing about him and got his feelings hurt a little bit, but his behavior's just so amusing I have to share the stories with someone. I can't wait to come up and visit. Only wish I had more time. I am showing up the first weekend to celebrate Maggie's b-day (do you and Meggie still hang out? Does Jamee have a paintball gun?) and then heading back so Brian can work and we can watch Night Watch on Wednesday, then we're coming back for Turkey Day. Anyway, write me back when you get the chance...I haven't seen you in so long and I thought shopping for you would be a piece of cake 'til I realized that Miss Fickle may have different interests by now (this is a hint). Bye!

Luv, Delcie
Current Mood: chipperchipper

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November 3rd, 2005

01:54 pm - Thank God THAT bullshit is DONE
NO MORE GROUP PROJECT FOR THAT IDIOTIC, OVERGENERALIZED INTERCULTURAL COMM. CLASS!!! YEAAAHHH!!! I have NEVER had such a ridiculous class. What a fucking waste of time.

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