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February 3rd, 2008

05:21 pm - my letter: "concerns before birth"

Hi, Laura!  I somehow stumbled across your site well before I became pregnant and it inspired me to plan an unassisted birth, still oblivious to when I would bcome pregnant.  Well, I'm about 37 weeks along now, and I have heard many different concerns from many different people after I tell them of my desires.  At the behest of my mother, who shares many of your philosphies but nevertheless fears for my well-being, I spoke with a midwife in the area.  She had a couple of good points on which I hoped to get your perspective, seeing as how you have gained much valuable knowledge because of your devotion to unassisted birth.  One of these points was that most of the people she has encountered who desire an unassisted birth desire first and foremost a homebirth over a hospital birth but that, ironically enough, they often end up in the hospital because of complications that arise and scare them.  It is true that I would rather have a midwife-assisted birth over a hospital birth, but I really identified with the section of your site that discussed the need for privacy in order to be "in" the birth, a feeling that is more difficult to achieve when strange eyes are observing the laboring mother.  I know how I am, and I can see my own power diminishing due to the presence of a stranger about whom I would have to worry.  But how do I avoid the least pleasant of my options: rushing to the hospital?  First and foremost, I want my baby to be safe.  I am only 23; I have a million voices in my head telling me why I'm wrong, why I can't; I tend to overanalyze; I don't know how I will react to the birth, because I don't yet fully know who I am.  In short, what if I end up not being able to listen to my own deepest truths at the price of a bad birth experience for both myself and my newborn?  The women about whom I have read seem so confident, and while I have known that this is what I want for some time now, my nature won't seem to allow me to accept confidence in my abilities and my beliefs.  I trust my husband, but from a logical standpoint, he doesn't remember ever witnessing a birth in real life--how will he react, I wonder.  Is my deeper faith reckless?  The second point the midwife made was that complications, or variations, as you call them, arise often and it could put us in a very stressful situation.  She mentioned hemorrhaging and lack of resposiveness from the newborn, the latter of which would entail a need to resuscitate the baby.  I have taken two CPR/first aid classes, but I have never had to practice what I've learned.  I have had to try to save many animals in the past, but with little luck; once a living creature is on its way, it seems I am powerless to bring it back to the other side, whereas a vet is able to do much more.  Am I not a natural nuturer?  Brian is, but he has never taken infant CPR/first aid classes, though I gave him some material to review.  Do you ever get stories of unassisted births gone wrong?  I know that fear is generally the primary contributing factor when it comes to complications, but what if I'm one of the few who encounter a bad situation my husband and I can't handle, in spite of a so-far smooth pregnancy?  My mother told me she had a great pregnancy with my brother, but he was born with the cord around his neck and had to be revived.  She said she was afraid she had lost him at first.  I can begin to imagine how scared she really must have been; to see a limp animal is one thing, to see your limp child is quite another.  I know it seems I am really unsure of myself, but there is still a part of me that just feels unassited birth is right for me.  How do I ease the discrepancy between this part and the more doubtful part?  I do not want a hospital birth--I have heard too many horror stories, I don't want to be in a place of sickness when I'm giving birth, and I don't want to be bossed around.  I also don't want anyone but my husband, my baby and I to be present at the birth; it really is an incredibly intimate experience.  I say it's personal, my mother says it's not: history shows three people besides the baby being involved in labor and birth, not one or two.  People tell me that I'm too frail, that I'm reckless/irresponsible, that anything could go wrong, etc. etc.  I would never forgive myself if something bad happened to my family because of this.  What is your take on unassisted births gone wrong?  How do I fulfill this long-held dream of mine (which may not happen if I'm full of doubt)?  Sorry this is so long, but it's been a long time coming.  I hope to hear from you, though I understand that you are very busy, so if I don't hear back from you, at least I got all of this off my chest.





Current Mood: contemplativecontemplative

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October 16th, 2007

09:49 am - morning in someone else's la la land
 Sometimes, I can't stand to ride the bus.  It's one thing for it to be late, I can get over that, but what bothers me most is having to witness how tuned out most people seem to be.  When there is an elderly or disabled person getting on the bus, you move, you don't make the pregnant lady next to you move.  And sure, I'm not showing all that much, but it's as though they don't even consider the option of moving their asses.  I have seen otherwise, and this always makes me feel better, but a lot of the time, the ipods are going and the brains are not.

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June 15th, 2007

07:50 pm - Storytelling
Brian and I just finished a little story game together and it got my mind going, so I need to write this down before I forget it, 'cause I like it.

A mighty God approached a young man and presented him with a challenge: "If you can spend your whole life in solitude, I shall give you the greatest gift ever, beyond your wildest imagination, the thing you desire most."
The young man thought a bit, his mind becoming full of dreams for the future.  "I accept your challenge," he finally declared.
"Then I shall see you again," said the God, and with that, the young man set about his life alone.  
Fifty years of sorrow and agony later, the God returned.  "Brave warrior of silence, you have done well.  I had not expected it.  As you have fulfilled your end of the bargain, I shall now fulfill mine.  I shall grant you the greatest gift ever, beyond your imagination, the thing you desire most."  
And with that, the man fell down to the ground, dead.

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May 17th, 2007

09:59 am - My current reflections on life

Monkey got the top branch
               Monkey gets banana

Monkey eats lots of nana

               Monkey falls down.

Monkey got the bottom branch

               Monkey sees aa-all

Monkey thinks "Fuck this"

               Ain't a monkey no mo'.


Now, the question still remains, how to escape the jungle?

Current Mood: moods are for monkeys

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April 4th, 2007

02:14 pm - So it falls
"Thanks for the input," I say.  Input like an innocent little needle to prick my wound, bleeding it of infection, drip by drip, until I it spreads, like poison oak, across by being.  Better it would have been to have not heard any reaffirming surprise.  Better it would have been to have walked on in ignorance, beaten down to the ground, for at least the scoundrel knows his place.  No, I am not to be granted identity.  I must forever be stitched and unstitched, so as to never forget what it is to feel, to die, to be born.
Current Mood: discontentdiscontent

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March 2nd, 2007

03:26 pm - I'm back, for awhile
I still don't want to get sucked into this thing, like so many are now getting sucked into evil MySpace (how do they find the time?), but I need it right now.  This is what I wrote to Brian, and I want to post it in order to remember better:

"Cool.  I am trying to study right now, not doing a very good job of it and feeling a bit like crap, although I should be happy because by chance I caught another one of my professors in his office during an unusual time for him, so I was able to ask him right there if he could write me a letter and he said yes.  Instead, I feel like a beaten dog, cowardly and unworthy.  I am just so tired.  I cannot even get ahold of the other professor who was supposed to write it for me.  
This instructor [in the computer] lab just made fun of herself, trying to get the class to laugh because she made a mistake or something.  She was the only one laughing.  I have heard professors act this way before, trying to impress their students and failing and it makes me feel good.  It reminds me that we are all just children, seeking love.  That can be so difficult to see when we are in the thick of it all, so it's a nice reminder.  Ok, I feel better.  What time would you like to leave?"
Current Mood: calmsoothed

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January 22nd, 2006

10:44 am - Reality Reclaimed
I'm going to be closing this thing soon. Hopefully on Monday, I'll have a chance to print out all my entries (scary!) and close 'er up fer guud. I've known for a long time that I was wasting too much time in the net, but now I'm actually working on doing something about it. So, you naughty little mistress, I'm leaving you for good!...or at least parts of you; I'm too much a part of generation Y to ever leave you completely.
Current Mood: optimisticoptimistic

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January 14th, 2006

11:21 am - It's a good thing I didn't go w/ Jeff....
Esperanza came over yesterday to try to calmly tell me that she and Josh had broken up. Of course, she ended up crying, but we got to go have fun, so I hope that cheered her up a bit. My good looking/talented coworker Patrick is looking for a pref. female roommate, so I gave him a call about Esperanza and who knows-if they end up sharing a place...I know, I know! I'm horrible! She just broke up w/ someone, so no setups. But still, if it happened, I certainly wouldn't mind those two for dinner buddies. But I'm getting ahead of myself, as always. We had some good italian food and went to see Brokeback Mountain. I don't know what the critics are all raving about; Ang Lee is my favorite director and I expect a lot from him after Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon. This movie did not live up to his self-set standards. I thought it would focus more on the emotional aspect of the relationship, but there was a big emphasis on the physical part instead. There were some touching scenes, but the weight of what I saw in the physical scenes outweighs these. The first scene was very rough and crude. And why did it have to involve anal sex, esp. on the first tryst? It grosses me out to think of two men who have been sweating, getting dirty in the sticks, and sleeping with sheep having anal...I mean, it definitely gives me a bad visual of how they got their lubrication. And there's another scene where Jack goes to Mexico to sleep w/ a male prostitute. DISEASE! I know the film was set back in the day, but showing such dirtiness doesn't exactly improve stereotypes of gays. And then to really hit the tip of the iceberg when it came to my unfortunate visualization of constant anal sex, there was one scene where the cowboys are cooking corn. CORN. Writing anything else would no doubt violate Journal rules.

So yeah, a little disappointed in that way.

Brian went to Brandon's last night and I guess the plan wasn't NEBRASKA, but Arizona or New Mexico, which don't seem AS terrible, but we'll see. One of the first things Brandon said in response to Nebraska was, "What??? That's way too cold for me!" Hah! I'm so good!

Anyway, I convinced Brian to make breakfast w/o my help by telling him it would be more efficient for me to get ready while he cooked, so I'd better go. It'll be a fun day!
Current Mood: happyhappy

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January 6th, 2006

09:29 am - Grades
Finally! The sad thing is, I feel a little down about getting an A in I.C. Comm. I HATED that class, but the grade reminds me of how much work I had to put into it, at the expense of other classes I enjoyed more. I also received a NC for my spanish lab, so I guess Ang was right about when the actual due date was. And I spent hours finishing it...in one day, of course. Well, I'm glad that pain is over. Never, ever will I take that many units on top of working again!!!
Current Mood: anxiousanxious

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January 2nd, 2006

10:38 am - Awww!
I feel so much better! Sleep works like one of those healing potions I've seen on video games like Zelda...I think I will play a video game with Brian today. And watch a movie. Today feels like a good day! Though the house is still a bit messy...perhaps I will remedy that a bit...with my music! Yay! I have my music back! Another really good thing about the trip that I forgot to mention last night was being able to talk a ton with my mom on the rides to and fro, which was something sorely needed in my college days when I don't get to see my family much. Anyway, I'm gonna check a couple things and then rock out to cleaning music! Ciao!
Current Mood: chipperchipper

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